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jee to karta hai ki saale ko...

Location : Some corner of the white house clone built on Bandra Land's End named Mannat - also known as the residence of India's Hero no. 1, Shak-yuck Khan.

Cast : King Khan himself of the Home Trade ambassador fame, Karan Johar of the Koffee with Karan fame.

KK: Hey KJ, howdy !
KJ : Hi KK, me doing fine, thanks to you.
KK: So what's up? Dont tell me you've come here to shoot yet another episode of that Koffee with Karan of yours. I mean, I know I am the best and all that, but you must interview others too at times. Have you tried that chhokra from Virar.watsis name ?
KJ: Well, yeah I did. But he is an MP now. He says he will oblige only if he gets the role of a Prime Minister in my movie Kabhi Jeet Kabhi Haar - ek election ki kahaani. I told him that I have already cast you in the lead roles of my next 41 movies but he refuses to accept that, kya karen?
KK: Hmm, tab fir kya karne ka socha hai?
KJ: Karna kya hai, he is a politican now, I will bribe him, he will have to accept.
KK: Ha, ha. tum saala director log bahut chaloo cheej hai !
KJ: He, he. Kya karen, pet ka sawaal hai.
KK: Achcha ye bata, mere paas kaise ? Dont tell me you want me to bribe that Virar fellow, my International SIM Card does not connect to Virar.
KJ: Nahi, nahi. I still have a MTNL Tarang handset,that is perfect for Virar. Cheapest Rates, you want one ?
KK: No, no. I like my Airtel. It has ER+.
KJ: Wo kya hota hai?
KK: Pata nahi par Sachin ne desh mein shor macha rakha hai, ER+,ER+ and we all know Sachin in God.
KJ: Hmm, wo to hai. Achha listen, I came here to talk to you about a movie that I am thinking of making.
KK: Oh ho, already ? So who will be doing the roles of the father, mother, daughter etc ? Main wohi Amitabh Bachchan ka beta ban ban ke thak gaya hoon. Aur waise bhi ab Akshay Kumar mere se better AB's son ka role kar leta hai.
KJ: No, no. This one is different. There is no father,mother in it. In fact there is no son or daughter too.
KK: Eh, then?
KJ: There wont be a castle or mansion. Manish Malhotra will not design the costumes for the servants too and there will be not a single Swarovski crystal anywhere. What the heck, there wont even be Kajol in it !
KK: What !?! KJ, paagal ho gaya hai kya? pichchurr bana raha hai ya Doordarshan ke liye Vrittachitra*?

*documentary, for the linguistically challenged.
KJ: No, no. This one will be different from anything anyone's ever seen before. I told you I want to make something different this time.
KK (cynically): That Different, eh ? So fine, we will make something different.Jara hatke. We wont go to switzerland then. Lets go to Siberia. That nangu Khan is in the limelight these days for getting 'lucky' in Russia. We'll show him who's boss, yeah ! (growls)
KJ: No yaar, This one can't be shot in Siberia. It will be shot in Uttaranchal.
KK: Uttaranchal ? Is that the new studio in Aarey Milk Colony* ?

*Aarey Milk Colony is a protected area in Goregaon, Mumbai where a lot of movies and most television serials (i.e. Kekta Kaaapooor serials) are shot.
KJ: No its a new state carved out from UP.
KK: Oh ! So we shoot there because of the tax incentives we get there for developing the region. Hmm, you are getting smarter by the day.
KJ: No,no. There is no tax incentive for shooting there. In fact, the place where we have to shoot is protected. Its a national park.
KK: Which means its a park for the entire country's public.Just like we have Shivaji park here in Mumbai where Sachin used to bat when he could bat, i.e. before he started to challenge me for showdowns on TV.
KJ: No baba, this movie will be shot in a forest, a real forest.
KK (eyebrow shooting up): A forest? What kind of movie is this? Where do I dance? On the trees?
KJ: There will be no dance in it. It is the story of a maneater and some fishy stories and a ...CENSORED*.
*err.. cant reveal that, can we ?
KK: And who is the man-eater ?
KJ: A Tiger.
KK: Oh, so what is my role?
KJ: Who said you have a role?
KK: What ? Since when did YOU start making movies without me?
KJ: Well, I dont have any role that suits a star of your stature apart from the CENSORED* and that role I've written with Ajay Devgan in mind.
*arre bola na, cant reveal that !
KK: Ajay Devgan. ok, he is not a threat to me.
KJ: Exactly, and he can act too.
KK: Yeah, yeah, but then why are you telling me all this?
KJ: Because you are my lucky mascot and it has to have you in it.
KK: But you just said there is no role..
KJ (cutting in): No role in the story, but then we can always go beyond that, can't we?
KK (mulling) : Hmm, quite possible, quite possible.
KJ : What I am thinking of is an item number for you, you've never done that before, have you?
KK: Well,I did one in Shakti...
KJ: which was a movie no one saw, so forget it.
KK: OK, if you say so.
KJ: Right, so we will show off your newfound biceps and ribs...
KK (getting excited): Can we get Malaika as well, I like ogling at her...
KJ (thinking): Well, I had Kajol in mind, but come to think of it, Malaika does look a better option.
KK: Good, good. So thats done then. Now tell me who else are you casting apart from me and Malaika.
KJ: Well, there are quite a few roles which require very specific attributes..
KK (cutting in) : like?
KJ: Like, I need this 'Researcher' who works for National Geographic and stays in a random forest with his wife who wears shorts and halter tops. He has long hair and races and wrestles with Anacondas on his vacations. He should be capable of wrapping the anaconda around his body when he recieves a call on his mobile in the middle of the forest. He also has a Sony Vaio laptop that draws power from the Sun.
KK: Wow, looks a solid role. Who have you thought of for this one?
KJ: Well, I need someone who should have the same expression on his face throughout the movie. Right from the beginning where he wrestles with the anaconda to when he has a fight with the other hero to when he is in mortal danger to when his wife dies (oops..gave it away a bit,didnt we?) to when he finally runs for his life, we need one wooden expression and I think the best man for this role is...
KK: John Abraham ?
KJ(incredulous): Wow, you are clairvoyant !
KK (dismissively): What else?
KJ: well there is this other hero, whose every second dialog is "jee to karta hai ki saale to jaan se maar doon" which he may or may not be able to complete at various points depending on the situation.

He also has to say "cut the crap" about 115 times. The remaining time he either stares in horror or bristles with rage and mouths inanities like "dubara aisa kuchh kaha to jaan se naar doonga" or utters profundities like "jo hame maarna chahata hai, hum use maar nahi sakte aur hamari jeet isi mein hai ki hum yahan se zinda nikal jaayen". Very brave, this fellow.
KK: Well, I can't think of anyone other than Vivek Oberoi for this one.
KJ: Wow, we think alike. Do jism, ek jaan. Lets hug and..
(They hug and..)


KJ: Next we have this wife of the 'Researcher' who has a very powerful role. She is required to bring the phone to her husband when it rings and she also has to take it back when the call is over. She is also supposed to pull her husband away from any duel that he and the other hero keep getting into and of course, she is his ace photographer as well though she will never carry a camera in the entire movie since that might cover her assets which we want to showcase.
KK: She is the one with the shorts and halter right?
KJ: Yes and I think only Isha Deol can do justice to this "meaty" role.
KK: Yeah, she IS quite meaty. Good choice.
KJ: And then we have this other girl who has to look pretty, tired and terrified at the same time. She also has to oscillate between varying viewpoints as per the demands of the script, ..err... the director.
KK: What do you mean?
KJ: Well, she has to get hurt in her leg at one point and will be carried in a stretcher while everyone is running. Then they will take shelter at one point and once they realise that they are not out of danger yet, they will start running again but this time she will run alongwith them, leg injury be damned. Once the running is over, she will go back to limping and whimpering about her leg.
KK: Wow, some role, this has to be ...
KJ (cutting in, exults): Lara Dutta !
KK: Well, I was thinking of Priyanka Chopra or Diana Hayden but it doesnt make a difference either way. Any of these are equally good at this sort of a thing.
KJ: I already have Ajay Devgan as this CENSORED* in a role he has never done before.
*offo, nahi bata sakta bhai !Non-disclosure agreement hai, khush ?
KK: Any other characters?
KJ: Well, there is this driver who will laugh for no rhyme or reason and who will drive this gypsy over all kinds of places and keep wrecking it despite claiming to know the area. I also have this Guide who will laugh for no rhyme or reason as well.

And one thing more, before I forget, just to make this movie TOTALLY different, no guy in this movie will board a gypsy the proper way. All of them will either jump into it or use the wheels as steps or some such thing. Whats more, atleast one person will always be standing on the gypsy, even though there is ample space for sitting.
KK: Wow, that IS different.
KJ (smug smile): Well, you know me.
KK: yeah, but still it might fail. People are used to Karan Johar presenting a particular type of movie.
KJ: You think so?
KK: Yeah, I do. I dont want the famous KK-KJ reputation to flounder.
KJ: Me neither. Ok, I've got an idea! I'll put my asstt. Soham's name as the director. Then if it bombs, Soham gets the blame. And if its a hit, well everyone knows how ghost direction works.
KK: you ARE sneaky.
KJ: he, he.
KK: OK, done then, and where will my item song be?
KJ: Well, that is the problem I came to talk to you about. It can't be anywhere in the movie. You think we can release ONLY your item song as a movie?
KK: Well, you can, but I doubt if many people will turn up to watch.
KJ (crestfallen): then?
KK: Well, put the song in the beginning itself.
KJ: But the 'researcher' is supposed to wrestle with the anaconda in the beginning.
KK: Offo, put it even before that.
KJ: But thats the credits roll, where I love to put the background music of my lucky mascot movie 'Kuchh kuchh hota hai' ka song 'tum paas aaye' !
KK: Ok, then put this song in betweeen your 'tum paas aaye' and the anaconda.
KJ: OK, final then.
KK: When do we start shooting for the item?
KJ: Well, we have to start tomorrow morning.
KK: But, the costumes, they will take time.
KJ: Arre, yehi to issue ho gaya ! When I told Manish Malhotra that he wont be designing the clothes of the cast for this movie, woh mujhse rooth gaya aur ab Ramse Brothers ke liye costume design kar raha hai.
KK (dismayed): fir mera kya hoga ? where will I get another happy and gay designer ?
KJ: Dont worry. We've got into this tie-up with Roopa underwear people and you will be wearing their latest 2005 all-year baniyan collection. They are really HOOOOT, trust me.
KK: Wow, you mean I get to show off all this new muscle to millions of guys on screen ? Ah, my dream come true ! Tell you what, I'll do it for free.
KJ: oh Wow! thanks King Khan.Thanks a lot.
(bows and leaves)

man this was funny ! did u create this ? good fun.

thanks buddy. this is what happens when you see a movie like this on a sunday evening and are then unable to sleep for long.

Waking up at 4 AM does have its benefits ;-) not that I have been benefitted much, but still..

kya baat hai beedu...kamaal review written in a dhamaal style. You are going great guns as far as the blogging style is concerned...badhaai ho and Bakar zindabaad! :-)

Nitai

thanx baba,
saab aapke ashirwaad ka fal hai etc. etc.
ye to 80 rupaye ka khoon hone ki frustration thi, varna review ke liye to main bhi aapke hi blog ka rukh karta hoon ;-)

baKar zindabad

This was simply too good!! :))
i still havent seen the movie.. though i dont think there's anything left to be seen now..lol :)

PS. i came here thru vagabond's blog

hi neha,
thanx for visiting my blog.

i luvd ths one...the most imprtant thng is tht i ws laughing thruout...ths is THE best description of KAAL...gr8 wrk...:)

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